As an added service to Indian 101 students, the CU49 Book Store in cooperation with University sponsor, Rezco Inc, is proud to present to following offer.

Insta-Indian Kit

Some days, it's easier being Indian than others. But for those who are not Indian every day, it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of Americans need help. So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian and for yooz' who didn't remember you were (until the advent of per capita payments and land settlements) we offer you this, the byproduct of a sympathetic moment of pure inspiration - the Skin-tacular "Insta-Indian kit".

Now, for a mere $39.95 a month of never ending but nonetheless easy installment payments, you will receive these unique and wonderful goods:

• Clip-on braids (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping and handling)
• Faded bandana of red or blue
• Certificate of genuine Indian ancestry, with choices like "Cherokee Princess" or "Comanche Chief" (for a real tribe add $14.95, plus shipping and handling)
• Tanning solution with extra oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow"
• An old set of keys to car "left on the rez" and parked in "some cousins" yard
• Set of razor blades (Indians aren't very hairy)
• Fringed vest with complimentary "Indian Power" button, beaded earrings for women, blurred tattoos for men
• Powwow schedule for those wanting to observe Indians in social environment without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad theses and previous conclusions will be shattered.)
• Individualized and company-registered nickname (All Indians have some sort of personal appellation i.e., Sun Dog, Pooky, Skin, Buck, Wabooz, Brokedown, Jr., and such.)
• Recipe book for commodity rations - including a no-fail absolutely delicious macaroni soup; nourishment that saved our Nations!
• AND a video list of Indian movies to see and make reference to (movies not included, duh!)

BONUS! For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that includes the proper way to say, "Ayyyy!" with the appropriate head movements and some slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes fail-safe vague references to the "rez" and some handy-dandy pan-Indian sayings such as, "walking the red road," "circle of life," "seven generations" and "all my relations" - at no extra cost!

PLUS the definitions of cultural gestures, such as asking, "Where are you from?" are cross-referenced in a glossary of Native terms and customs.

SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage and handling and we will send you a sporadic newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This way you will not be "out of the loop" in any conversation with real Indians.

Why, you may ask, are we doing this, selling trade secrets that will certainly infuriate some authentic Natives? Well, we real Indians could all use a little break now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we're spread so thin across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we wanted the job or not. Besides, this will free up more time for us to get the important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral, natural resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody's got to do it!).

It's like Unk Rosco used to say, "It ain't easy being Indian" -especially when 'yer a Wannabee or a Yoostabee.

For help, call 909-WAN-NABE now! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your call! (Family packages available.)

* If you find yourself inexplicably craving government Commodity cheese, don't give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much as 20% off your total order!

 

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Submitted anonymously. I made a few changes to serve the purposes of the website. If the originator of this piece would identify themself, I will gladly give credit.